I’m beginning to see the whole of my life, excusing the bad, which I had spent many hours agonizing over. I should look for happiness now, but I am so busy writing this and it involves a lot of pain.

When I got with the Sullivanians, that’s when all the hate started. Everyone I met hated me in a disguised way. I continued with them in spite of it, not knowing they were deceiving me. My so called friends taught Leon to hate me. He was too young to know better. If I had kept him with the first babysitter, and left the Sullivanians, none of this would have happened. I wouldn’t have needed my Mother so much and I would have had some guidance. My mother taught him to hate me too, from 2years old on. All of the same thing happened to Judy Collins including the alcohol addiction and our sons having committed suicide. We sobered up at the same place.

Every family has a scapegoat and with my family it’s me and I’m guilty no matter what. It is created so that the rest of the family members can be (feel) perfect. How can I put in the past what other family members won’t let go of?
I have already done it, but I’m paying too much attention to the lag my family keeps creating. I also keep forgetting they rejected me quite a long time ago. The only one I held onto was my stepfather, not even knowing he was rejected too. Then, after his death, the truth about him was revealed and it wasn’t nice. My disappointment and grief was so great.

Ambivalence is not a bad thing. It’s something people live with, unless someone exploits it and makes a decision for them.

I wasn’t aware of my surroundings. I didn’t know which was my daughter’s favorite muppett, or that I took away the cat’s companion. (One of his kittens) My family members had to tell me everything. I was so isolated by my illness. I actually blame myself for it.
It seems like when I am justifiably upset I minimize it and when its all over I feel deep despair or something like it, but it’s all out of proportion. When it’s safe I feel the real emotion.

Something about the self hate brought about by a mother who cloned every thing good about me and took it beyond my reach.
In a competitive situation I never could cope. That is why I feared my family.

My family broke my son’s heart.  He was a drug addict and they rejected him when he needed them most. That might be a factor in his suicide. Also there was the chance that he got bad drugs and decided to do it because of a bad reaction. There was a shirt covered with blood under his bed and a syringe.

It was such a racist thing I did, telling the black man who made me pregnant I wanted to be married instead of telling him to stop beating me and then to marry a light skinned Puerto Rican and get pregnant again. My life was ruined, but if my daughter reads this she will feel bad and I love her a lot.

After my marriage was over I didn’t do so well. I made my children suffer. I hit them with belts, although I don’t remember it, and my drinking had progressed.

I prayed that no one shall take away my happiness and that I will know the feeling of continued freedom. Jesus said, stop thinking about all the mistakes you made while you were gullible.

Almost all my life there has been an effort to deprive me of my home and every last vestige of happiness. I have long ago stopped asking why, but just keep struggling. Now in my old age, I have freedom.

Ever since I was 16 my life was a nightmare, my mother made sure of it. She rejected me when I was grown because she felt it was her time to shine. Not only that but she undermined me in several ways to make sure I didn’t shine at all. I used to be ambitious but when I became mentally ill I lost everything.

My mother was so poor in spirit that she copied me in every way, even when I was wrong.

Now that there are good medications for me I can go ahead and enjoy my life, but there are drawbacks that I can’t seem to surmount. My memories and my many mistakes haunt me and I never shook the suicidal ideation.