The Mystery of The Cross Continue reading →

I paid big time for my mistakes. I got caught up in “she deserved it.” not realizing there shouldn’t be such a thing.
“The obligation to endure gives us the right to know.”
Jean Rostand

I was deprived of everything that mattered to me by my family. Namely my son Leon and Joe who loved me unconditionally. they did it deliberately without conscience.
How can I put in the past what other family members won’t let go of?
I have already done it, but I’m paying too much attention to the lag my family keeps creating. I also keep forgetting they rejected me quite a long time ago. The only one I held onto was my stepfather, not even knowing he was rejected too. Then, after his death, the truth about him was revealed and it wasn’t nice.
My disappointment and grief was so great.
Ian both destroyed and nurtured his youngest daughter Charlotte whose only offense was not being a boy. He destroyed her bit by bit blaming her every time he was angry at his wife. He nurtured her by getting her help for her dyslexia and emotionally supporting her when she was having a difficult time around an abortion and providing her with a place to live the rest of her life. She became a nurse.
He was nurturing to me also by helping me and my children. He also hurt me by doing my mother’s bidding getting rid of me constantly. I used to call him and he used to call me saying “is that you, Hazel?” he used to come into the city once a week to visit me and my children.
They both used to throw money at situations they couldn’t handle. Something which I inherited. Maybe that is why my son is preoccupied with money.
I see several parallels. I will try to write them down. The violence against Lumumba and my family’s high threshold for violence. Not that they carried out any, but that they excused or justified any perceived violence.
“How can a beret colored blue erase, just like that, the prejudices of conservative officers from Sweden, Canada or Britain? How does a blue armband vaccinate against the racism and paternalism of people whose only vision of Africa is lion hunting, slave markets and colonial conquest; people for whom the history of civilization is built on the possession of colonies? Naturally they would understand the Belgians. They have the same past, the same history, the same  lust for our wealth.” *
* Quote is from The Assassination of Lumumba

“Upon your continual cowardice, your repeated lies, sentence will be passed on the day when some exibition of your weakness, in itself, perhaps, quite trivial, deprives you of any further opportunities to make a choice—and justly. Do you at least feel grateful that your trial is permitted to continue, that you have not yet been taken at your word?
As a climber you will have a wide sphere of activity even after, if that should happen, you reach your goal. You can, for instance, try to prevent others from becoming better than yourself.” *
* These quotes are from Markings by Dag Hammarskjold

If only he had known it was my stepfather who alone betrayed him and his own bosses. Something which might be covered up forever because, in the end, Lumumba might have died any way.