As usual, I didn’t stand up for myself. I can think of so many instances where I could have made a change but did nothing. “The courage to change the things I can.” I never followed up. I never explained myself. I never took action when it was required of me. I allowed people to have the wrong idea of me. I didn’t seem to care if I was misunderstood.
Again, I didn’t stand up for myself because, with my family, there was no such thing as standing up for yourself. You had to go along with the program or else. I tried my best but the full weight of their prestige was impressed upon me. All this happened against my better judgement. My sisters revered my mother. She had a lot of power. Ian was thought of as insignificant at the same time that everyone was living off his prestige.

When I was 60 years old I was being exploited by mental health professionals I came down with a manic episode and a psychotic break. The manic episode was fun but the psychotic break was more than challenging. My OCD helped me to be organized enough to survive. As I couldn’t sleep, I watched my face age. Adding to this, my landlord was trying to evict me. He was paying a police detective who recorded my phone calls. He even came to my house after he arrested my son for no reason.
Then there was a different kind of professional abuse. When I was 28 years old I went to a mental health clinic because I was desperately upset about an abortion I had just had. The doctor only supported an abortion for me and did not relate to my grief. I found out he thought I was a narcissist. He later decided he had misunderstood me, but it was too late for me. I had had two more abortions just to “obey” him. I had to keep telling myself I wasn’t upset.

The funniest actor comedians were very depressed. They must have been making up for it by being funny. I know for me the more depressed I got, the funnier I got. Except when I was so bipolar depressed I couldn’t pull myself out of the hole I was in. I say were, because they mostly all committed suicide. Leon might have been one of them. The depression got the best of him. He wouldn’t take the desipramine. At least I don’t think he did in the end.

Only a diamond can cut glass. I became the glass.
I had a boyfriend and I loved him but he beat me. I spoke to a lawyer, and she asked me is he worth it? I said no when I meant yes. I was pregnant and still not married. My other child Leon, was 7 years old and hated Joe. My girl friend who was also black had promised Leon she would get rid of Joe, who had told me she was a racist, that he could tell by her eyes. I took him to a social worker who was at Spence Chapin where I had left Leon as a baby. she consulted both of us separately. She then told me “he’s all yours if you want him, but he wants to live separately.” on the elevator I said to her, “he beats me.” She said, ” that’s a reason for an abortion.” as she got off the elevator. Abortion had just become legal. So without consulting him, I did get an abortion. I was always morally against it. What I did was inexcusable. Instead of telling him I did it because he beat me, I said I wanted to be married first. When I was pregnant after those seven years I was happy. Then when my family found out my happiness was ruined. I should have ignored them. I would have lost Leon, but I should have allowed myself to be happy. I became sunken into a deep hole of depression. They say, schizophrenics do one thing and mean another.

Well, I met another but light skinned man. He was insincere but I didn’t know it, his presence was so dazzling. I persuaded him to get married and I got pregnant. My daughter was born with a heart defect. We moved from the west side to the east side and I started yelling at him, it’s not the first time. I started treating my son badly because he was a racist like my family. Everything was forced from now on. Later on his father said to me “now wasn’t it a mistake?” I said, “yes but what am I gonna do now?”
I considered my life ruined.